I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
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My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck