Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Effort made
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!