Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?