Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
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gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.