It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
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throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”