“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
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I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
When ur friends with white people
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.