My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
You Might Also Like
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
nice challenge
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.