“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
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[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Venn
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Google assistant rules
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.