banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
This is not me but this is me
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.