next level snooze
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Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I needed a laugh this morning.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Meat Cute
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her