*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
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Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
You better watch out
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.