I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Every time my phone rings
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”