wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years