Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
You Might Also Like
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
what is cheese if not milk persevering
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.