My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?