I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes