I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
i dont have time for this
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.