WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.