There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.