I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
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My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Well, this explains it:
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.