pizza
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[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude