Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
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Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
This is my emotional support knife.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over