Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
anyone else like Italian cereal
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*