This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it