Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
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{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.