[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
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“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.