I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.