my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
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doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Best spot.. 😅