Jail
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My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
☠️☠️☠️
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
You can’t rush stupid.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
umm…
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I beg your pardon?
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it