Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
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yes… yes…
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Don’t touch that.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
The pen is writier than the sword.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.