I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
This cat wants you to take your pills
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I need to update my racial profile.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
#winning
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.