None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
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*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I didn’t come here to be called names
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me: