Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Twitter is the new flypaper.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.