*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
You Might Also Like
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
#NoRestForTheWicked
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting