To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.