Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat