Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
how to market bottled water to dads
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I’m being attacked 😭
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists