My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
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[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
the council will decide your fate
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go