I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.