Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
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“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.