Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
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nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.