What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
You Might Also Like
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)