awkward
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me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I’m not stressed
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.