I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
You Might Also Like
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.