My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
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lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.