Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
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“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.