Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.