Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
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Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.