My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
All is fair in drunk and war.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep