I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
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My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
What flavor cupcake are these
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?